Hey there – its been a little while. Here are my reasons as to why I haven’t been writing the last couple months: work, the holidays, my dog getting neutered and me having to mentally prepare for weeks leading up to it, and my family’s store of 34 years closing its doors for good.

All of these are pretty damn good excuses – and yes, they are all accurate reasons as to why I haven’t written – but that’s not really why. The truth is that I have been going through some shitty stuff. Stuff that has sort of consumed me and has brought me back to when I was a child, bursting at the seams with fear. Now I am not here to play the victim and have you all feeling sorry for me. Not at all. I have actually been hesitant to write about this. I am sure every family has gone through what my family is going through. It’s really quite simple. In fact, it all comes down to this: people not acting the way you want them to. Of course there are messy details that make the situation heightened – but those details don’t really matter. What matters is that we all have pictures in our head and expectations of how we want our loved ones to act. We believe that THIS is how they should be… and then we get disappointed when they let us down. We think that maybe one day we will finally learn. One day we will accept that maybe this is just how its supposed to be. Maybe one day I’ll get to that place – it sure sounds nice.

I have made it clear to you all how fear has been a debilitating force in my life. How I shut down and isolate when I am scared. I made a big stink when I started this blog about how writing will help me get out of myself and help subdue my fears. Well, I am going through some scary stuff and I have not wanted to write. I have not wanted to open up about how scared I am, about how maybe I don’t have everything under control. And for that, I am embarrassed. So here I am. Writing again. Holding myself accountable.

I am feeling things I haven’t felt in a long time. My fears that I thought were buried have resurfaced. It almost feels like I am living in a dream of when I was a young girl, in a grown up body. I always thought that if I ever had to go through this pain again, that I would fall apart. That I would not be ok. I thought that there is NO way God will put me through this again. And if he did, there was no way in hell that I would be able to get through it twice. Well folks, I am in it and guess what? The earth is still spinning. The sun is still rising. The Patriots and Eagles are still going to the Super Bowl. Life is still going on! I am still going to work every day. I am still in a healthy, stable relationship with my amazingly patient boyfriend. I am still paying my rent. I am still obsessed with my dog. I am living my life. All this time I thought the world would come to a fiery end, but it has not.

Don’t get me wrong, I am still living in a lot of fear. I think I have made that pretty damn clear. It’s just that this time around, I am not letting it overcome me. I am not letting it destroy everything I worked so hard for – the life I have built for myself. I am not that 7 year old, big glasses girl who was afraid of her own shadow. I am an adult. A product of the experiences I went through.

This quote I came across has changed my life, and I try my best to live by it:

“Be who you needed when you were younger.”

I can’t change the past. I can only grow from it. I would do anything to be able to give my younger, scared self a hug. I would hold her tight and I would tell her that she is going to be more than ok. I would tell her that she is going to make people proud. I would tell her to be kind to herself. I would tell her that one day she will be grateful for all she is going through.

I think we could all be kinder to ourselves. We are our biggest critics, our worst enemies. We doubt ourselves and think that we are not strong, that we are incapable. I challenge all of you. Stop the criticism. Stop the self abuse. Just stop. Be proud of how far you have come while you were busy telling yourself that you wouldn’t make it. We are stronger than we think! I truly believe that our mind will not always win. In fact, I am proof that it will not. While I was busy telling myself that fear will always overcome me, I ended up building a life beyond my wildest dreams.